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In my own ashes I am standing without a soul...

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November 13th, 2004

04:25 pm - woah
this journal still works?

(who knew)

*not me*
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: nothing

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October 25th, 2004

07:33 pm - are you proud of me?
Well, I guess it's time for me to update this thing. I didn't do much of anything today. Walked around my town, got smokes. The same thing I do everyday. Walk around and get a lot of heads to turn because I'm the only freek/outcast/loser in my town.

I got the urge to cut again today, but instead I picked up a pen and started to write in my personal journal in my room. I filled six pages, and that's better than filling my legs up with cuts I'd say.

I did, however cut last night and when I was putting my socks on in front of my mom and dad they hurt so much, because they were close to my feet. I wanted so bad to just show them and tell them why I did it, but I didn't want them to react. It was almost like I wanted them to be toys at that moment in time, tell them and show them what I did to myself and walk out my front door. But I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't, because I know how they'll react to my cuts on my legs.

I wonder if Ron'll call me tonight. I hope. I wrote a song, and I really want him to hear it. :sigh: aight, well..I'm done updating for now. PeaCe.
Current Mood: Playful
Current Music: nothing

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October 23rd, 2004

10:34 am - Guess who's back?!
Amanda's back from Florda. I've been in Fl. for about a month or so. I don't know. I lost track after about 2 weeks when I was there. Let me tell you all about my trip: The car ride to Fl. sucked so much. I was sitting next to a six year old and a 12 year old in a truck for so many hours I thought I should just knock myself out. Infact, I told Jason to hit me over the head with a brick when hour seven rolled by and we were all outside walking around. It was funny. I lived in Terri's house. (She's Chris's girl) And Chris is my uncle. Terri has four kids: Chistopher (22) Jason (18) Robert (12) and Casey (6) When we all got to Terri's house, the first thing we did was put Casey and Robert to sleep, then smoked some good ass weed that made me not wanna sleep til sunrise. That's all I really did when I was in Fl. Get stoned off my ass. And for a while I wouldn't get high, they all would just hotbox me. I couldn't take it, and I broke down and got high my last night there. All of Terri's friends were saying that I have 'talent' in sketching, but I need to talk more. I'm too shy. I babysat Casey and Robert a few nights a week, which was fine with me. Terri and Chris need to go out ya know. I was there to help around the house, and I did that. About week three I ran out of money and they were spotting me for cigarettes and shit I needed. I got really homesik and I called my mom up telling her I missed her and I wanna come home. They got me a ticket, and off to the airport I went. Now: Airport time...

Chris and Terri dropped me off at Tampa Airport. Terri went in with me and got my tickets and shit. Then Chris walked me to my gate, we all huged, I told them both I loved them and thanks for letting me stay at their place..and on the airplane I went. It sucked. I had a layover in NJ which I fucking LOVED! I miss the smell of NJ so much. In NJ they kept changing my gate and they were all so nasty to me when I asked where my gate was. I finally got out of NJ and I was in Missouri. I didn't see my mom at my gate, so I went outside thinking she was out waiting for me, I smoked a cigarette and looked around for her. I couldn't find her, so I went back in and there she was. She was about to cry. I dropped my bookbag and gave her a hug and said "good to be home." And that was my trip...

When I left, I told Casey I would write her and call her almost everyday. I left something of mine for her behind. I sketched her too. She was crying when she found out I was leaving. So, 3 nights ago, I told her she could sleep with me if she wanted. (She comes in my room when she's scared and I let her climb in my bed and she falls right to sleep.) I spent all night rubbing her back and telling her that I was ganna miss her too, but I would be back to visit her and stuff.

In other news: I read Ray's journal, and I'm surpised he didn't cut me from his friends list. Seeing how I didn't update for a looonngg time. Thanks ninja for not cutting me from your friends list :D

Well, I have to go now. PeaCe.
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: nothing

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August 4th, 2004

03:38 pm
I have no desire to live my life anymore.

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August 2nd, 2004

09:05 pm - catch-up
1. Mom's birfday was July31st. Mom, dad, me and Lynn all went to the race track. My dad raced. We were suppose to go out to dinner after. [Never happened.]
2. Been moody for days.
3. Still trying to draw a chick for NiK. cuz shes so hardcore. xXx

...And that's about it.

0h...Still crushing. (I'm not a playa I just crush a lot)
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: Reno nine-one-one

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July 28th, 2004

11:05 am - "hey, I don't have A.D........I like this song. What were we talking about?"
I've been sketching a lot, but it seems like shit can't hold my attention for a good amount of time anymore. If I'm not interested in it, then it won't keep my attention. I can't think of just one thing anymore. Thoughts inside my head skip around all the time. It gets confusing sometimes, and I get frustrated because I can't stick to one subject....What was I doing...I'm not joking. Oh jez-us. That's bad. I just got a flashback. It's almost like I zone out on things. My head is like a TV keep switching the channels, but I don't have the remote to keep it on just one channel. I get vivid flashbacks all the time now. When I get flashbacks like that, all the old feelings come back. *blink blink* I'm failing miserably at trying to update my journal...I hate when someone calls me, and hangs up as soon as I say "hello?" It pisses me off. They called me, I didn't call them. They should at least have the decency to say "I'm sorry, wrong number." But they don't. They never do. They just hang up in my ear. It pisses me off.Lynn can hold my attention. I wonder if he's going to call me today though. I haven't heard from him in days. There aint shit on TV. I'm starting to hate watching TV just because of that. I should take a shower today. Let me end this maddness.......

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: "How does it feel?"-Twiztid

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July 24th, 2004

12:44 pm - Anywayz...
((Somewhere out there, there's somebody))


Me: fire = good
Lynn: my car on fire = bad
Me: It's a fine line.

Name: Amanda
Do you like it?: Not really..too many girls have it..
Nicknames: It used to be Angel, now its Beautiful. Juggalette, Shy one..
Age: Old enough.
Birthday: November 21st
Sign: Scorpio
Location: Lawson, Missouri
Status: I'm free
Crush: Bleh
Natural hair color: blonde
Current hair color: black and red
Eye color: blue
Height: 5'5"
Birthplace: new brunswick, new jersey
Shoe size: 7

[ Family ]
Parents: Vicki+Roger
Siblings: Dan
Live with: mom, dad and me
Favorite relative: Debbi

[ Favorites ]
Number: 7, 13
Color: Blue and Black
Day: Friday
Month: October
What are you listening to right now: TV
Movie(s): Anything horror
Food: Spaghetti
Band: I have some
Season: Fall
Sport(s): Football
Class: English
Teacher: Pennin
Drink(s): Faygo [even tho we got none here] Mt.Dew and Dr. Pepper
Veggie: Broccoli
TV Show: Any dating show [the 3rd wheel, elimadate, room raters] jerry springer, + dr. phil.
Radio Station: 98.9 [the rock]
Store: *shrugs*
Word: Fuck....Bigold [fucking rednecks..i love to hear that word tho]
Animal: Horses
Flower: Daises
State: New Jersey of course

[ This Or That ]
Me/You: You
Coke/pepsi: Coke
Day/night: Night
Cd/cassette: CD
Dvd/vhs: DVD
Jeans/khakis: Jeans
Car/truck: both please
Tall/short: tall
Lunch/dinner: Dinner
Britney/Christina: Christina
Gap/Old Navy: neither
Silver/Gold: Silver
Alcohol/Weed: both...together and a lot of it.

[ Love and Relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: No
Do you have a crush?: Yeah
How long have you liked him/her?: long enough
If you're single...why are you single?: Because he ended it
How long was your longest relationship?: some years...
How long was your shortest relationship?: A month..got dumped on the one month mark..sucked
Who was your first love?: Jeff.
What do you miss about them?: Comfort

[ The Past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your life: Nothing
What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: *shrugs* I got no regrets in what I did in my life.
Last thing you heard: "Told ya" :)
Last thing you saw: I'm staring at this fucking thing right now, moron.
Last thing you said: '...he paid for me...'
Who is the last person you saw?: Lynn
Who is the last person you kissed?: ...Lynn
Who is the last person you hugged?: Lynn
Who is the last person you fought with?: *thinks way back when* Ron probably
What is the last song you heard?: "Live like you were dying"

[ The Present ]
What are you wearing?: white tank top with pink dragon on it, black bra, jeans, and a black botton up shirt.
What are you doing?: this, chattin with armando [not really anymore] and kinda watchin TV
Who are you talking to?: armando?
Where are you?: My living room
Who are you with?: Myself
Are you online?: Nope...this is a figment of your imagination.
How are you feeling?: I'm...not sure.
Are you in a chat room?: No.

[ Future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: Sunday.
What are you going to do after this?: Be lazy? It's rainin, so I aint goin outside..and I don't think no ones ganna pick me up today. so yeah...
Who are you going to talk to?: Probably Lynn..and anyone else who calls me or stops by.
Where are you going to go?: Around
How old will you be when you graduate?: Already did that
What do you wanna be?: I'm workin on it...
What is one of your dreams?: To be a singer... All my big dreams seem to be broken.
Where will you be in 25 years?: I'll be 44, so I'll be around.

[ Have You Ever ]
Drank?: Yeah
Smoked?: Yeah
Stolen?: Yeah
Done anything illegal?: Yeah..one more yeah, and I'm ganna go crazy.
Wanted to die?: Not no more. I like my life.
Hit someone?: Yeah

[ Other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: Print.
Are you a lefty or a righty?: Lefty.
What is your sexual preference?: Bi.
What piercings do you have?: Tongue+ears,,,but I don't put earrings in.
Do you drive?: I know how to.
Do you have glasses or braces?: Glasses
Did you like this survey?: It's a survey.

[ Physical Appearance ]
What do you most like about your body?: Eyes and my nose.
And least?: Legs
How many fillings do you have?: None
Do you think you're good looking?: No
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: Too often
Do you look like any celebrities?: I don't think so..

[ Fashion ]
Do you wear a watch?: No...and everyones always asking me what time I have..
How many coats and jackets do you own?: One coat, too many jackets that I don't even wear.
Favorite pants color?: Blue. My favorite pants are light gray-ish.
Most expensive item of clothing: Prom dress :(
Current Mood: guiltyguilty
Current Music: "Fuck you right back"-FrankeE

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July 14th, 2004

01:12 pm - just quizzes.......

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way

You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to

Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets

No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your True Sign Is Cancer






Unable to Let Go

The Most Loving Ever

Intuitive and Imaginative

What's Your True Zodiac Sign? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

((funny you say that))
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Green Day "Nice guys finish last"

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June 19th, 2004

08:08 am - concert day
I wrote this last night:

I truly am the [beautiful] fuck up of all [bad things] in your life. I'm your [precious] mess up. I assume shit, so that makes me an [ass] to [you] I'm running in circles [in cycles] and I don't know how to make this right again. I no longer know how to make you happy. [trial and error] I [fail] at all things in my life. I failed you [miserably] Frustrated. Silent [cries] in the middle of the night. It's the most heavenly sound that fills my ears, because [crying] is for the [weak] right? I no longer cry. I can't. I cried myself dry. Saying [I don't know] because I truly [don't know anything] doesn't work anymore for you. [Change me] into something that will suit your lifestyle, because being [myself] isn't helping much. Being who I [am] doesn't make you happy anymore. "Somebody's gotta be the big fuck up right?" [Isn't that right?] That somebody is [truly] me.

Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Thoughtz

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June 18th, 2004

08:41 pm - Update time
Concert tomorrow....going to Chicago Sunday. Cant wait.

I died my hair pink, but since my hair is black, i had to bleach it first. i hate bleach, so i only bleached the top, and died the top pink. [so its pink and fades into black]

I hope it dont rain tomorrow. I have to wake up at 6, get ready [which'll take me a good 3 hours] and walk down the street to Kelly's sisters house at 10am, cuz shes stupid and she dont know where I live. [even though she was told twice by me, five times by Kelly+a bunch of times by my mom] she still dont get it.

I'm watching 'the others' right now, and its really stupid. When i first got it, i loved it...but now I just hate it. "but i am your daughter" URG..how stupid. "come with us....comewithus"

okay...enuff about that movie....so...yeah, not much to talk about anymore. I could easily talk about Ron, but hes so confused, I don't think he could even talk about himself...and what hes feeling...so I'm just ganna go. peace


*Stay true to the WICKED clown inside your soul*
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: The Others

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